College Humor

Things Not to Say to Your Parents While at College

2006-04-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

1. Are you saying that I'm not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box?

2. Hey dad, are there any openings at your office?

3. She's 21 and she reminds me of mom.

4. I'm converting!

5. I'm coming out of the closet! Just kidding...hello? hello, anyone there?

6. I don't know, I think a nipple ring is very fashion conscience.

7. Who are you again?

8. Come to think of it, you're right! You're always right! I'm not going to make any more decisions! You can just take over my life, you manipulative bitch!

9. Mom, you too can be saved.

10. I need more money for my gambling ring.

11. Hold on a second, I have to get rid of the body.

12. I'm on page 54, right after the centerfold.

13. Have you ever tried Vivarin! I mean a lot of it at once! It's amazing. I wrote two papers, memorized the Spanish to English dictionary, made sis a sweater, invented a new way to dry laundry, and I- my, my heart.. I can't bre-

14. From now on, you'll call me Mohammed.

15. I'd love to talk to you, but I have more important things in my life to do.

16. Is it possible to get a 12-year old girl pregnant?

17. Hey mom, you know how you and dad got married at 20, well...

18. I never realized how many ways you could use petroleum jelly!

19. Man dad, there are so many f*cking parties here. Hic! Are you listening to me, you old f*cking fart!

20. There's only one thing left to do- kill the both of you!

21. This is my home away from home. I have new friends, and a family here with two kids and - um, forget what I just said.

22. And I joined the Republican party!

23. I just can't take it anymore. The pressure! The Pressure! Aaaaaaaaaaah! (Click)

24. Hold on. John, will you get your dick out of my ass!

25. Hold on. Mary, will you get your hand out of my ass!

26. Hold on. Get this poodle out of my ass!

27. Mom, send me some neosporin. I seem to have a lot of cold sores.

28. Guess what! I need a new liver!

29. De ahora, voy a hablar solamente en espanol!

30. When are you coming to visit! I really want to see you!

Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

2006-04-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

What the College Viewbooks Don't Tell You

2006-04-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

(and what you said, "yeah, right" to before you actually got here)

1. Quarters are like gold.
2. Be creative in the dining hall.
3. Flip flops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)
9. Showers become less important.
10. Sleep becomes more important.
11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
12. Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").
13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first> class (not that this is anything really new).
15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, alcohol...
17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
18. You begin to nap again (also not new).
19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
21. Labs used to be fun.
22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
23. Squirt guns = stress relief.
24. E-mail becomes your second language.
25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.
31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
32. Road trip whenever possible.
33. Pick up all new lingo.
34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.
39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.
42. It never sucked so much to get sick.
43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!
46. You'll learn more about male genitalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.
53. Disney movies are more than just classics.
54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.
57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.
60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
61. You almost forget how to drive.
62. You'll drink anything if it's free..
63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.
64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
65. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.
67. You never realized how cool you can be.
68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme, and roommates snoring.
73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties...
75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
79. Procrastination becomes an art.
80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).
81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.
84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
87. Classes: the later the better.
88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.
89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.
90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
92. You just don't learn last names.
93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
95. Card games never lasted for hours before.
96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
97. Boys will dance in college.
98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
99. You are NEVER alone.
100. You find out what beer sludge is.
101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
106. You never realized how quiet your house was.
107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
110. Your life will never be the same again.
111. Sweatpants become a wardrobe staple.
112. You become an expert at space optimization.
113. Anything can be cooked in a microwave.
114. Girls are almost as messy as guys. Girls just hide it better.
115. A trip to the grocery store requires 3 hours, in order to price check everything.
116. You can't study when it is too quiet.
117. You can always tell the freshman the first week or two of school by how dressed up they are. Also refer back to #111.
118. Your cherished CD collection will never be intact again.
119. Going out to a restaurant to eat, only happens when your parents come to visit.
120. You become a really good pen-pal when you have a boring class.
121. There is such a thing as a blow-off course.
122. You actually rationalize staying home and watching Ricki Lake to going to class.
123. The first sign of spring and classes become even less of a priority.
124. If you loose your ID card it takes forever to replace and you can't do anything without it.

Universal Grade Change Form _______________________ University

2006-04-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get
into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a
copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________

You Might Be a College Student ...

2006-04-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

If you average 3 hours of sleep a night

If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't

If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week

If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy

If you wake up 10 minutes before class

If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them

If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class

If your social life consists of a date with the library

If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room

If you typically have less than a dollar with you

If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class

If you celebrate when you find a quarter

If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over

If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself

If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis

If you get more sleep in class than in your room

If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo

If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes

If you get more e-mail than mail......

THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!

The World Of Academia

2006-04-11T18:43:00.000-07:00

(sung to the tune of Hotel California)
In a dark deserted room,
Brylcreem in my hair.
Warm smell of unwashed socks,
Rising up through the air.
Up ahead on my PC...
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim,
I had to work through the night.

As he stood in the doorway,
I heard the Rush Rhees bells.
And I was thinking to myself,
"two years of researching - and this could be hell"
Then he picked up my paper,
And he gave me an 'F'.
There were voices down the corridor,
Thought I heard them say,

"Welcome to the world of academia
Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a lovely phase.
Plenty of room at the world of academia,
Any time of year, any time of year, you can get screwed out here."

My mind was stiff and a-twisted,
The coursework never seemed to end.
Got a lot of glassy genius boys,
That we call friends.
How they crammed in the library,
Sweet summer sweat.
Some mugged to remember,
Some mugged to forget.

So I called my advisor,
"Please make me a T.A."
He said, "We've never had such spirit here
Boy, you really make my day"
And now those students keep calling from .. far away,
Waking up in the middle of the night,
Just to hear them say

"Welcome to the world of academia,
Such a lovely place, such a lovely place, such a lovely phase
Livin' it up at the world of academia
We don't mean to cheat, we don't mean to cheat,
Where's your answers sheet?"

Four years was my ceiling,
Then came some advice.
He said, "We are all just prisoners here.
Failed my defense thrice"
In the dissertation chambers,
The doctoral committee,
They quiz him with their steely glares
And he can't get his Ph.D.

Last thing I remember,
I was running for the door.
I had to find a passage back
To the place I was before.
"Relax," said the chairman,
"Til some results we receive.
You can check out any course you like
But you can never leave."

Why College Students Are Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Break

2006-04-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball,

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper,

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello,

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper,

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days,

5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...
in below freezing weather,

4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!"

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave,

2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own,

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO THANKSGIVING... (drum roll, please...)

1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

What Year Are You?

2006-04-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."

He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."